Confused in San Diego
Dear Jennifer,
I am having a problem that some may consider off the wall. In fact I can tell no one about it, as it is sooooo embarrassing for me.
About 2 years ago things in my marriage became very strained. My husband was changing jobs, working difficult hours, and preparing to move us 2000 miles away from the only city me and the kids have ever called home. I have 2 children both toddlers, a full time job, plus I have to keep up the house. I am in a strange city and do not know anyone! My husband is of a different culture and he is very hard on me emotionally. He expects me to keep every thing perfect, but I just can't do it! He is under stress from work and I seem to be the emotional punching bag.
Don't get me wrong he is not abusive physically. But that is NOT the problem I am asking about. I am embarrassed to say that in order to have sex with him and to get any pleasure, I have to close my eyes and fantasize about 2 women making love. I have never been physically attracted to women before, and when outside of the bedroom I don't admire good-looking women as the pass, but good-looking men. So I don't know what is wrong with me, am I in some way only bi-sexual in the bedroom? I don't feel bi-sexual; I mean I cannot picture myself in an emotional relationship with another woman. So what's wrong with me?
Confused in San Diego
Dear Confused,
Whew! Wow, lots of issues here! First I want to say that emotional abuse is still abuse, and that is can hurt more than physical abuse some times does. I will not get on my soap-box on that as you have given it as back-ground info and not the direct question at hand.
First off, you're quite straight, so don't fear. Your fantasizing about other women is actually quite normal in your situation.
I know I went through it. It has a lot to do with the current lack of passion, tenderness, and sensuality in your marriage. Ok, think about it, when we picture a sensual figure it is typically a woman, same with tenderness and passion. We women are raised to be this and it is part of our natural state. Your marriage is lacking communication as well from what I can read in your letter. We women need that. Who do we run to in times of need? We discuss every thing with our best girl friends, mothers, sisters etc. Typically we don't open up completely to anyone BUT another woman. We seek emotional nurturing and comfort from one another because we each know that it comes natural for us as we are the mothers of the world.
So for you to picture that comfort and need for passion in the form of two women making love is not totally far-fetched and crazy. It does not make you a Lesbian, nor does it make you bi-sexual. People seem to some reason think that homosexuality is based on strictly sex. I am sorry I don't believe that. I believe that it is based on the same emotional level of connection as any heterosexual relationship. I was in a horrible abusive marriage. I had the same fantasies, I was never attracted to women except in my mind during intercourse with only him. After the marriage ended and I started dating again (this time stable men), the fantasies stopped occurring. For me too it was the only source of comfort during his abuse in the bedroom. So you're fine. BUT, I think you should be rethinking your relationship, or seeking help for it. This does not sound like a healthy situation. Believe me there are passionate and tender men out there who will reassure a good woman. Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Xoxoxoxoxoxo Jennifer Leigh
Thanks for all the interesting questions. Take care until next time! |
